Three Men in a Boat – Learn English Through Stories Level 3

Chapter two: Planning the Trip

We looked at the maps and we discussed plans. We decided to start from Kingston the following Saturday.

'Harris, you and I will go to get the boat at Kingston,' I said. 'Then we'll take it up the river to Chertsey, where we'll meet George.'

George works in the City until the afternoon. (George goes to sleep at a bank from ten o'clock to four o'clock, Monday to Friday, except on Saturdays. On Saturdays, they wake him up at two o'clock, and put him outside the door.)

The next problem was where to sleep at night. George and I didn't want to sleep at inns. We wanted to camp out in the middle of nature.

'How beautiful,' we said, 'sleeping in the country, under the stars, by the river!'

'I can imagine it all!' I said. There is a golden sunset. The river is moving along quietly. The forest is full of trees and birds. The grass around us is green, and little flowers grow here and there.

'Soon it is dark. We row our boat into a quiet corner on the river. We put up our tent and cook a simple, healthy meal. We all sit around a warm fire and eat our meal.

'We look up and see the moon and the stars. Then we sit in silence. How wonderful this is! We go to bed, and then we dream under the stars! We dream that the world is young again.'

As we all sat there dreaming, Harris said, 'What happens if it rains?'

There is nothing poetic about Harris. He is not romantic at all. If Harris ever has tears in his eyes, he is eating raw onions. If you stand by the sea with Harris and say, 'Listen to the sounds of the sea. Can you hear spirits singing sad songs - the songs of those who died in these waters?' he will take you by the arm and say, 'I understand, my friend. You're not feeling well. Now, come with me. I know a place around the corner here, where you can get some good whisky. You'll feel better soon.' Harris always knows where you can find a good whisky.

Harris was right about camping out when it rains. It's not nice at all. Just imagine: it is evening. You are all wet. There is water in the boat and all your things are wet. You find a place on the river bank. You get out of the boat and pull out the tent. Now two of you try to put it up.

The tent is wet and very heavy. It is raining hard. The wind is blowing. The wet tent flies about. It falls on your head and makes you angry. It is difficult to put up a tent in good weather. It is impossible to do so in wet weather. The other man is of no help at all. He is a complete fool!

The wind continues to blow and the rain continues to fall. You look at the other man and say, 'What are you doing with your side of the tent?'

'What are you doing?' he answers.

'Don't pull on your side!' you shout.

'I didn't pull. You pulled!' he shouts.

'You're doing everything wrong!' you shout.

'What?' he shouts, 'I can't hear you.'

'You don't know how to put up a tent! We'll never put up this tent,' you say.

At this point, the third man has pulled the boat out of the water. He is completely wet. He wants to know why the tent isn't up yet. Everyone is wet and angry.

Harris was right. Camping out in rainy weather is not a good idea. We decided to camp out in good weather and sleep at an inn or a hotel in bad weather. Montmorency agreed with this decision. He likes inns and hotels.

Montmorency doesn't like the quiet life. He prefers noise and confusion. He looks like a good, well-behaved dog. But he's not. When you look at Montmorency, you see an angel from paradise, in the form of a small fox-terrier. You think he is a sweet, gentle little dog. When old ladies and gentlemen look at him, tears come to their eyes.

When he killed twelve chickens, and I paid for them, I changed my opinion of Montmorency. In one year, he had one hundred and fourteen street fights with other dogs. An angry woman brought me her dead cat and called me a murderer. Montmorency loves to join the worst dogs. He then takes them around town to fight other dogs. This is his idea of a happy life.

Chapter three: Packing

The following evening we met again to discuss our plans. Harris said, 'Now, we must decide what to take with us. You get a piece of paper, J, and you get a pencil, George. I'll write the list.'

Harris is always like this. He tells everyone what to do, and he does nothing.

My old Uncle Podger was just like Harris. When Uncle Podger did a job, everybody in the house helped. One day, Uncle Podger bought a picture. Aunt Podger asked, 'Where can we put this picture?'

'Leave it to me. Don't worry about it. I'll do it all,' Uncle Podger said.

He sent one of the girls to buy the nails. Then he sent one of the boys to tell her the size of the nails. He sent Bill to get the hammer, and he sent Tom to get the ruler.

'Now get me a kitchen chair, Jim. I need two people to hold the chair. Maria, come here and hold the light. Tom, come here and give me the nail.'

He finally had the nail in his hand, but it fell on the floor.

Everyone looked everywhere for the nail. When someone finally found it, Uncle Podger lost the hammer.

'Where's the hammer? Where did I put the hammer? Help me find the hammer!'

When we found the hammer, he lost the place on the wall to put the picture. So each one of us climbed up on the chair to look for the place. Each one thought it was a different place. When Uncle Podger climbed up on the chair, he fell on the piano. Aunt Podger was very angry. She said, 'The next time you put a picture on the wall, please tell me. I'll go and spend a week with my mother!'

Uncle Podger tried again and again. At midnight, the picture was on the wall. However, it was not straight. The wall was dirty. Everyone was tired and unhappy. Uncle Podger looked at the picture and said, 'It was such an easy job!'

I told Harris, 'You get the paper and pencil. George will write the list, and I'll do the work.'

The first list was too long. We threw it away. We started another list.

'In order to travel to the north part of the River Thames, we need a small boat,' George said. 'With a small boat, we can carry only necessary things. We won't take a heavy tent. We can put a canvas cover I over the boat at night. It will be like a little house, warm and comfortable.'

We made a list of all the clothes we needed. George said he knew everything about the right clothes for a trip. We discovered later that this wasn't true.

We talked about food next. George said, 'Let's continue with breakfast. For breakfast we'll need a frying pan.'

'That's quite difficult to eat,' Harris said, smiling.

'Stop being stupid, Harris,' I said.

'Let's continue,' said George. 'We'll need tea, sugar, eggs, bacon, bread, butter and jam. For lunch, we can take biscuits, cold meat, and fruit - but no cheese. The smell of cheese is too strong. After a day or two, everything will smell of cheese.

'For dinner, we can take meat pies, fruit pies, tomatoes and green vegetables. This good food will keep us healthy,' George said.

We didn't take wine or beer, because they both make you sleep.

George continued, 'We'll also need a teapot, a pan and a camping stove. We don't want a paraffin oil stove.'

'Oh, no, not a paraffin oil stove!' I said. We once took a paraffin oil stove. It was horrible. The smell of paraffin oil was everywhere. The river smelled of paraffin. The wind smelled of paraffin. Even the sunset smelled of paraffin. When we visited the town of Marlow, it smelled of paraffin, too! Even the church of Marlow smelled of paraffin. The countryside for miles around smelled of paraffin. We decided never to take a paraffin oil stove again.

The next day we bought everything we needed. We met in the evening to pack our suitcases. We got a large suitcase for the clothes, and two large hampers for the food and utensils.

I am very good at packing. Packing is one of those things that I do best.

'I'll organise the packing,' I said to George and Harris. They agreed. George sat in the armchair and Harris put his feet up on the table.

This was not what I had intended. I wanted to organise the packing - not do it! I wanted George and Harris to do all the work. However, I didn't say anything. I started packing the clothes. It took a long time, but I finally finished. I sat on the big suitcase to close it. George and Harris watched me.

'Aren't you putting the boots in?' asked Harris.

I had forgotten them!

'Why didn't you tell me before?' I said. Harris said nothing. George laughed. I was furious. I opened the suitcase again, and packed the boots. Then an awful idea came to me. Did I pack my toothbrush?

I started looking for it. I took everything out of the suitcase. I found George's toothbrush. I found Harris's toothbrush. But I didn't find mine. In the end, I found it inside a boot. I packed everything again.

When I finished, George asked me, 'Is the soap in the suitcase?'

'I don't care about the soap,' I answered. I sat on the big suitcase again to close it. Then I remembered that my cigarettes were in the suitcase. I opened it again and finally closed it at 10:50 p.m.

There were still the two hampers to pack. Harris and George decided to pack them. I sat down to watch.

Chapter five: First Day on the Boat

We stopped at Kempton Park and had lunch under the trees. QE Good food always calms Harris.

We reached Sunbury Lock at half past three. We then went to Walton, which is a historical town. Julius Caesar stayed there with his soldiers. Queen Elizabeth I stayed there, too. You can never escape from that woman. She was everywhere!

Next we came to Halliford and Shepperton. There is a tomb in the Shepperton churchyard with a poem on it. I was afraid Harris wanted to stop and visit it. I saw him looking at the church, as we passed near it, so I moved the boat suddenly, and Harris's cap fell into the water. He pulled it out and was angry with me. Fortunately, he was worried about his wet cap and forgot about the church.

As we came to Weybridge, the first thing we saw was a coloured blazer. When we got closer, we saw that George was inside the blazer. Montmorency started barking furiously.

Harris and I shouted loudly. George waved his cap and shouted, too. The lock-keeper I ran out, because he thought someone had fallen into the water. When he saw that no one was in the water, he returned to his work.

Now that George was on the boat, we decided to make him work. He did not want to work, of course.

'I had a bad day at the bank,' George said.

Harris, who is a little cruel, said, 'Now you're going to have a bad day on the river. A change is good for you. It's healthy! Come on! Get out of the boat and TOW!'

George didn't know what to say. After a moment, he said, 'It's better if I stay here and prepare tea. It's very difficult to prepare tea, and you look tired.'

We didn't answer. We gave him the rope. He started walking and pulling the boat.

I remember that George once saw a young couple who were walking by the side of the river. They were pulling a rope behind them, and they were talking. They didn't notice that there was no boat at the end of the rope. They had probably had a boat at the end of the rope when they started. But they had lost it.

When George saw this, he took the rope out of the water. Then he tied it to his own boat. So, the young couple towed George and his three fat friends up to Marlow. When they looked back, they saw that they were towing a boat that was not theirs. The young man was surprised and angry. The young lady said, 'Oh, Henry, where is Aunt Mary?'

No one knew what happened to Aunt Mary.

The most exciting thing is to let girls tow your boat. You always need three girls. Two of them hold the rope. The third one runs around and laughs all the time.

When they are finally ready to pull, they start running. They pull the boat too fast, and they are soon tired. They sit down on the grass to rest and laugh. While they rest, your boat goes out into the middle of the river. 'Oh, look,' they say, 'the boat's gone to the middle of the river!'

They laugh, jump up and start pulling it again. Then one of them decides to stop, because she needs her hat. Then another wants her red shawl. I Now one of them needs a comb for her hair. The other wants her handkerchief. This goes on for most of the afternoon. It is never boring when three girls tow a boat.

George towed us to Penton Hook. We stopped there and decided to spend the night on the boat. We found a pretty place. We tied our boat to a big tree.

We were all hungry and we wanted to eat. However, George said, 'No, let's put the canvas cover on the boat first. It will only take a few minutes.'

It looked simple, but it wasn't. There were five metal rods. You put them into special holes in the side of the boat. I didn't think this was dangerous work, but it was. I'm surprised that we are still alive to tell the story.

First of all, the metal rods did not go into their holes. We jumped on them, kicked them and pushed them. When the rods were in their holes, we tried to put the canvas cover on the boat.

George took one part of the cover. He tied it at the front of the boat. Harris stood in the middle to help George with the cover. George did his job well, but Harris was completely confused.

After ten minutes of hard work, Harris was inside the cover! He was fighting to get out. He accidentally knocked George down. Now George was inside the cover, too. They fought with the cover. I heard some very bad words. I thought the job must be very difficult.

I didn't understand what was happening. George and Harris had told Montmorency and me to stand at the back of the boat. We did exactly that. We waited quietly. We saw the cover moving violently, but we thought this was the correct method.

After a long time, we heard George shout, 'We can't breathe under here! Why don't you help us, you idiot!'

When someone calls for help, I always answer. I went to help them. Poor Harris, his face was almost black.

Chapter six: Harris Makes Scrambled Eggs

As soon as the cover was in place, we started to prepare supper. We wanted some hot water to make tea. We put the tea kettle on the stove. We pretended that we were not interested in the water. We wanted the water to think that we did not care about it. We began to prepare supper.

This was the only way to make the water boil on a boat. If the water knows you are waiting for it, it will never get hot. You must not look at it. It's a good idea to shout, 'I don't want any tea. Do you, George?'

George shouts back, 'Oh, no. I don't like tea. I'll have milk.'

'And you, Harris?'

'Tea is terrible. I never drink it. I'll have lemonade.'

This makes the water very angry. At this point, the water will boil!

We really wanted that supper. We needed that supper. For thirty-five minutes nobody spoke. We just ate and ate. Finally, we all had full stomachs, and we were happy. A full stomach makes you feel kind and generous. We sat and smiled at each other. We smiled at Montmorency, too. We started smoking our pipes and began to talk.

We went to bed at ten o'clock. I didn't sleep well. I wasn't comfortable in the boat. I woke up at six o'clock the next morning, and George did, too. There was no reason to wake up so early. We were on holiday. Why did we wake up so early? It never happens to us when we're working.

We decided to wake up Harris. This was hard work. We used an oar to help us. Harris moved a bit and said, 'I'll be downstairs in a minute. Get my best boots ready, please.'

We tried again with a boat hook. Harris sat up suddenly and Montmorency fell off the bed. We pulled up the canvas cover and all four of us looked out at the river. We were very cold. We had planned to go swimming, but the water looked so cold and wet.

'Well, who's going swimming first?' asked Harris.

No one wanted to be first. George decided to get dressed. Montmorency barked with horror at the idea. Harris went to look for his trousers.

I decided to go to the river bank and throw some water on myself.

I held on to the branch of a tree as I moved to the water. It was very cold and I decided not to go in. I wanted to go back to the boat. But suddenly, the branch of the tree broke! I fell into the river along with my towel. I also drank about a bottle of Thames water.

'Good heavens! Old J is in the water!' Harris said.

'How's the water?' George asked.

'It's lovely!' I answered. 'Why don't you come in?'

Nobody wanted to try the water. When I got back to the boat, I was very cold. I wanted to put on my shirt, but it fell into the river. This made me angry. George started laughing.

'I don't see anything to laugh at,' I said.

George laughed even more. I never saw a man laugh so much. I was cold and furious. I was trying to get my shirt out of the river. George was laughing louder and louder.

'Stop laughing, you stupid idiot!' I shouted.

When I finally pulled the shirt out of the river, I saw that it wasn't mine - it was George's shirt! I started laughing too. I laughed so much that I dropped the shirt into the river again.

'Aren't you going to get it out?' said George, who continued laughing.

I didn't answer him for a while, because I was laughing so much. At last I said, 'it isn't my shirt. It's yours!'

I never saw a man's face change so quickly.

'What!' he shouted. 'You donkey! I Why can't you be careful with things? Why don't you go and get dressed on the river bank? People like you don't know how to live on a boat!'

I tried to tell him how funny it was, but he didn't understand. George is a little slow at understanding a joke sometimes.

Harris said, 'I'm cooking scrambled eggs for breakfast this morning. Once people try my scrambled eggs, they always want them.'

He was quite famous for his scrambled eggs. George and I got the stove and the frying pan ready. Then we looked for the eggs that weren't broken. We found only six of them.

'Now you can start,' we said.

Breaking the eggs was difficult for Harris. The eggs got on his trousers and went up his arms. He put six eggs into the frying pan. Then he sat down by the stove and mixed them with a fork.

George and I saw that it was difficult work. Harris often burnt his fingers. Then he danced around the stove. He waved his hands in the air and shouted. George and I thought that this was an important part of his cooking method.

We didn't know what scrambled eggs were. We thought they were some sort of Red Indian food, and, to cook them correctly, it was necessary to do special dances with magic words.

Montmorency went to put his nose over the frying pan once, and burnt himself. He, too, began dancing around and barking. It was interesting and exciting to watch this show. George and I were sorry when it was finished.

When the scrambled eggs were ready, there was very little to eat. Six eggs had gone into the pan. But, all that came out was a teaspoon full of burnt eggs.

'The problem is the frying pan,' Harris said. 'I need another type of pan and another stove.'

We decided not to try scrambled eggs again, until Harris had the right pan and stove.

Chapter eight: Montmorency Meets a Cat

At Marlow, we left our boat by the bridge. We spent the night at the Crown Hotel. The next morning we went swimming before breakfast.

On the way back, Montmorency met a cat. Montmorency and I don't agree on cats. I like cats. Montmorency doesn't. When I meet a cat, I stop and say hello. I petI it gently. The cat is happy, and I am too. When Montmorency meets a cat, the whole street knows about it. A lot of bad words fly through the air.

As soon as Montmorency saw the cat, he barked with happiness. The cat was walking slowly across the street. Montmorency ran after the cat. But the cat didn't run. He didn't understand that his life was in danger.

This cat was big and black. It had half a tail, half a nose and only one ear. It was a clever street cat.

Montmorency is a courageous dog, but the cold eyes of that cat terrified him. The cat stopped in the middle of the road and looked at Montmorency.

Neither spoke, but the conversation was probably like this:

Cat: Yes! You want me? Can I do anything for you?

Montmorency: No, no thanks.

Cat: If you really want something, please tell me.

Montmorency: (walking backwards) Oh, no, not at all. Don't disturb yourself. I'm afraid I made a mistake. I thought I knew you. Sorry I disturbed you.

Cat: Not at all. It's a pleasure. Are you sure you don't want anything now?

Montmorency: (still walking backwards) No, thanks. Nothing at all, thanks. Very kind of you. Good morning.

Cat: Good morning.

The cat got up and walked away. Montmorency came back and followed us quietly. He was silent all day long.

To this day, if you say the word 'Cats!' to Montmorency, he'll stop walking. Then he'll look up at you, as if to say: 'Please don't!'

After this, we did our shopping, returned to the boat and continued our trip up the river.

At Hambledon Lock, we discovered that we had no water. We went to the lock-keeper to ask for some. George spoke for us. With a friendly smile he asked, 'May we have some water, please.'

'Certainly,' said the old lock-keeper. 'Take as much as you want, and leave the rest.'

'Thank you very much,' said George, looking around. 'Where is the water?'

'It's where it always is,' said the lock-keeper. 'It's behind you.'

George turned around and looked. 'I don't see it.'

'What! Where are your eyes?' the lock-keeper said. He took George's arm and turned him around.

'Oh!' George said. 'But we can't drink the river!'

'No, but you can drink some of it,' said the lock-keeper. 'I've drunk river water for the past fifteen years.'

'Well, sir, I don't think you look very healthy, after drinking all that river water. But thank you anyway,' George said.

We left the lock-keeper's place and we found some water at another house.

We towed the boat past Henley and stopped near Wargrave for lunch. We were sitting in a green field near the river. Harris was cutting a meat pie. George and I were waiting with our dishes.

'I need a spoon,' said Harris.

The hamper was behind us. George and I both turned around to get a spoon. In five seconds, we had the spoon. When we turned back, Harris and the meat pie were gone! Disappeared!

It was a wide open field. There were no trees nearby. Harris did not fall into the river, because the river was far from us. George and I looked all around. Then we looked at each other.

'Has he gone up to heaven?' I asked.

'Angels don't take meat pies to heaven,' George said.

'You're right!' I agreed.

'Then there has been an earthquake,' George said. 'I'm sorry he had the meat pie with him.'

Sadly, we looked at the place where Harris and the meat pie were sitting. Then, with horror, we saw Harris's head - only his head. It was in the grass! His face was red and furious.

George was the first to speak. 'Say something! Are you dead or alive? Where is your body?'

'Oh, don't be an idiot!' Harris shouted. 'I think you made this happen. You told me to sit there. It's your stupid joke! Here, take the pie.'

Harris didn't know it, but he had been sitting next to a big hole. The long grass covered it. He fell into the deep hole without knowing anything. At first, he thought that it was the end of the world.

Harris still thinks that George and I planned it all.

Chapter nine: Fighting Swans

After lunch, a gentle wind pushed us up the river past Wargrave and Shiplake. We got out of the boat at Sonning and walked around the village. Sonning is a lovely village. Everything is clean and beautiful. Each house is covered with roses. We decided to return to one of the Shiplake islands to spend the night.

George said, 'Let's have a special supper tonight. Let's make an Irish stew. We can put everything into one big pan.'

'What a wonderful idea!' Harris and I said.

'I'll get the wood and make a fire,' George said. 'You two can peel the potatoes.'

This was a very big job. We were happy and excited. But when we peeled our first potato, we understood that this was not exciting - it was hard work. The first potato we peeled looked like a pea.

George looked at it and said, 'No, no, no! There's no potato left. Do it like this.'

We worked hard for half an hour, but we peeled only four potatoes. We refused to continue.

'Well, just put the potatoes in without peeling them. Let's add some carrots and other vegetables. Look in the hampers and take out all the pieces of old food. We'll put them in the stew. You can put anything in a stew.'

We found half a pork pie, a tin of fish and a few broken eggs. We added these to the stew. Montmorency watched us carefully and then left. After a while, he returned with a dead rat in his mouth. He wanted to add something to the stew, too. We discussed it first.

Harris said, 'It's all right to add the dead rat. It will be mixed with the other things. A stew needs many ingredients.'

George said, 'Well, I don't want to try anything new. Maybe next time. I'm sorry, Montmorency.'

Harris said, 'If you never try anything new, you'll never discover things. It's men like you, George, who slow down the progress of our world.'

George didn't listen to Harris.

The stew was a great success. It was delicious - excellent in every way. We all really enjoyed it.

After the Irish stew, George and I decided to go to Henley for an evening walk. Harris wanted to stay on the boat and drink a whisky.

When we returned to the boat, Harris was sad and confused.

'What happened to you, Harris?'

'Swans!' he said.

We had left the boat near a swan's nest. When George and I were in Henley, Mrs Swan came back to the nest. She started to shout at Harris. Harris frightened her away. She went to get her husband, Mr Swan. Harris had a terrible fight with these two swans. Harris finally won the fight.

However, half an hour later, Mr and Mrs Swan returned with eighteen other swans. There was a horrible fight. The swans attacked Harris and tried to pull him off the boat. They wanted to drown Harris and Montmorency!

Harris fought with courage for four hours. In the end, the swans slowly swam away to die.

'How many swans were there?' George asked.

'Thirty-two,' said Harris, who was sleepy.

'But you said eighteen before,' George said.

'No, I didn't. I said twelve. Do you think I can't count?'

We never discovered the truth about the swans. We asked Harris about it the next morning. He said, 'What swans?' He thought that George and I were dreaming.

That night Harris had trouble sleeping. He woke me up about twelve times during the night. He was looking for his clothes. George woke up, too.

'Why do you need your trousers? It's the middle of the night!' George said.

Later, Harris was looking for his shoes. Then he asked for his socks and his umbrella.

We woke up late the next morning. We had a small breakfast and we were ready to go. We agreed that we would row the boat, and not tow it. Harris said, 'George, you and J can row. I'll steer.'

I didn't like this idea, and I said, 'No, Harris. You and George row, so that I can rest.'

I was doing too much work on this trip. I always think that I work too much. It's not because I don't like work. I love it! I find it very interesting. I can sit and look at it for hours. You can't give me too much work. I like collecting it. My office is full of it.

I'm very careful with my work, too. Some of the work in my office has been there for years. It is in perfect condition. It isn't dirty or anything. That's because I take good care of it.

Harris said, 'On this boat, I'm the only one who works.'

George said, 'You do nothing but eat and sleep, Harris. I'm the only one who works. You and J are very lazy people.'

Harris laughed and said, 'George! Work! Have you ever seen George work?'

I agreed with Harris, George never worked.

'How do you know if I work, Harris? You're always sleeping, except at meal times. Have you ever seen Harris awake, except at meal times?' George asked me.

I agreed with George. Harris worked very little on the boat.

'Oh, please! I do more work than old J,' Harris said.

'Well, it's difficult to do less work than old J,' George added.

'Old J thinks he's a passenger and doesn't need to work,' Harris said.

After this discussion, I said to Harris, 'You and George row the boat up to Reading. At Reading I'll tow it.'